Opinion : A mobster, or a teenager? How to tell the difference

National Public Radio was rebuked by at least one listener a while ago because they aired a story in which a college student referred to a Florida town as “gay,” with “gay” meaning “not cool,” or whatever word with which the kids of 2009 have replaced “cool.”

But on that very same day, NPR said something that was even more offensive to a large group of people.

During a story about the theft of credit card information belonging to more than a million customers’ from a national shoe store chain, the broadcaster said authorities were looking for suspects.

“They are trying to determine whether the suspect was an organized criminal (mobster) or a teenager,” the NPR man said.

After I stopped laughing, I started trying to answer that question.

So, how do you tell the difference between a teenager and an organized criminal? (Beside the fact that the mobster’s room — at least while he’s in jail — is much cleaner.)

Actually, it’s pretty easy to tell the difference between a sophisticated, experienced, organized criminal, and a teenager. There are several distinct differences between the two.

First of all, their dress.

The person wearing a bright orange shirt that says “Monroe County Jail” in black block letters is undoubtedly a teenager (unless of course, you happen to live in Monroe County and the person you see wearing the shirt is accompanied by a guy wearing a law enforcement agency uniform.)

Second, their toys.

Teenagers, of course, are much more technologically savvy than most criminals. That’s partly because a large percentage of criminals became criminals because of drug use and we all know what drug use does to one’s mind.

But that’s not the whole reason.

Almost every teenager I have seen recently is loaded down with camera phones, I-Pods, X-Boxes and other electronic gadgets. It would be impossible to conduct any type of criminal activity while carrying all that hardware. At the Palace Theater a while ago, I observed several children running around with cell phones, playing games, taking photos and otherwise interacting. I saw exactly one of them actually make a phone call.

Besides, any criminal psychologist knows you couldn’t get most of today’s teenagers to put down the phone or hand-held video game long enough to commit a crime.

The third difference between criminal and teens is their talk, although it does, at times, require a certain amount of discernment to identify that difference.

Criminals and prisoners have their own jargon, and so do teenagers. But you need to understand that these are two very different languages.

For example, a prisoner and a teenager might both say, “off the chain.” But the when a kid is saying “off the chain,” he means, “fun or exciting.” The criminal, however, would use that phrase to mean, “Go crazy.”

And when a kid says “perpetratin'” he is not accusing a friend of becoming a perpetrator, or a perp. Rather, the kids is simply accusing his peers of trying to imitate someone or trying to be something they are not.

Of course, understanding teenage slang can be quite difficult when kids have the habit of taking one word that is already slang, like “punk,” and then assign different new slang meanings for it. In Teen World, “punked” could mean “stolen.” Or it could mean “embarrassed.” Depends on the age of the kid, what state you live in, and the tone of voice that is used.

It punks me out to the max to admit that when it comes to understanding teen talk, I am as they say, “wack,” but I can’t tell whether my kids are complimenting me or dissing me when they call me “wack.”

But, of course I can tell.If my teenagers are talking, they are dissing me. Yours are dissing you too, although you maybe didn’t know that until now.

But if the identity theft (I wonder what slang term our teenagers will come up with for that) investigators still can’t tell the difference between a teenager and a criminal after closely examining the perp’s clothing, electronic devices and tools, then there’s always the sure way to answer that question:

How does the perp talk about his or her parents?

Prisoners are extremely affectionate about their parents.

Teenagers, not so much.

When’s the last time you heard Justin Bieber singing “Mama Tried?”

If a prisoner gets a tattoo, it will probably say “Mom.” If a teenager gets one, Mom is will be the last one to know (at least that’s what the teenager hopes).

My own teenagers illustrated this point one night a few years ago.

One of the kids was unnecessarily bossing around the then-7-year-old. I 86’ed the older kid and told the bossy one to chill.

“She’s daddy’s daughter,” said a teenager, of the 7-year old

“No, I’m Dean’sdaughter,” said the 7-year-old.

“And she’s proud of it.” said another teenager.

“She’ll outgrow it,” said another one.

Now, at age 16, the kid who fought her older siblings in defense of her dad is now the most likely to dis me.

Hopefully, this will help NPR and the identity theft investigators tell the difference between criminals and teenagers.

Still, it won’t surprise me to hear that NPR receives a lot of complaints from teenagers who are mad about being compared to criminals.

But I bet there will be even more complaints from prisoners who were offended by NPR comparing them to teenagers.

Editor's Note: This is one of the chapter's in Dean's first e-book, "Turtle Soup for the Vegan Soul," available HERE.