Opinion : A Man's Divorce: No Longer a Leper

There I was at work, sitting in my Dilbert cubicle, in my comfortable chair looking at my two computer screens. It was a slow moment and my mind wandered.

I saw my calendar and it reminded me it was December. And then I remembered.

This is the first anniversary of my divorce. But I could not remember specifically what day it was final.

I went to the county website, to the Superior Court page, and found the legal records of the divorce. There it was.

In just a few, short days, I will have been divorced for one year. December 18th.

I sighed.

But it was not a sad sigh. Rather it was a sigh of disappointment. It was also a sigh of wonder - how in the world could it already be one year?

I was briefly thrown back to that day, December 18th, 2018. I knew this was the day I was going to be single again -- no longer married. This is the day that my wedding ring will be removed. One stroke of a judge's pen and my life changes forever.

I recall checking this website often that morning. I wrote in a previous blog that I had no idea how I would react when I would see online that my marriage had legally ended. I was at work….would I react by crying, screaming, falling to my knees? Each time I logged into the website, I did so with great hesitancy and nervousness.

A few months ago the editor of a weekly newspaper in Iowa contacted me and wanted to publish my blogs on her opinion page. She mentioned that her area has a higher than average divorce rate and thought my blogs would be well received. She especially liked that they were faith-based written and were from the perspective of a man. I agreed to let her publish them.

This has kept the blogs at the forefront of my mind and I have had many opportunities to sit back and do self-checks on myself. How am I doing? Am I still morose? Do I still want to take a baseball bat to my cherry tree? Do I cry, with rivers of snot pouring from my nose? Do I walk with my shoulders slumped forward, hands in my pockets, head down, feeling very sorry for myself?

I once did all of these.

As I do these self-checks (not unlike what Data did in Star Trek Next Generation), I realize I have become much healthier. I am better than OK, but certainly not great. I no longer live in depression or sadness. Long ago I stopped blaming myself. I have stopped looking back and now my eyes look forward.

Several weeks ago I went on a 10-mile hike in a local mountain range. I was not able to get anyone to join me, so I went by myself. As I walked the trail through the beautiful woods, I realized it was not very much fun. The trail was just OK, but there was something else. I discovered that I now would rather share the experience of a walk/hike. This was a revelation.

Let me further explain -- following the separation I was unemployed and alone. I did a lot of walking every day. Sometimes locally - sometimes in the mountains. I did not want anyone with me because my entire focus was on God. I did a lot of talking to Him. But more than that, I did a lot of listening. My soul and my heart were ripped open and I exposed my entire being to Him. I thought of this time alone as an opportunity to heal. Think of me walking along the trail, with my arms lifted high and my eyes focused on the sky, asking God for forgiveness and for healing. Sometimes I literally did that, but more often it was just a mindset. I very much wanted to be in total surrender to Him.

Now I am ready for the companionship, sharing the beauty of a mountain view, or walking through an amazing forest, hoping to see a deer or elk or maybe even a bear.

Yes, even today when I walk alone on a mountain trail, I find great peace and healing…..but that is the way I have always felt, whether I was alone or with someone. The mountain air brings strength, and the views cleanse my soul.

Immediately following the separation and going forward for many months, I felt like someone with leprosy from the old Bible stories. I felt ugly, very unwanted, and certainly unloved. I was alone, unemployed, and my wife of 29 years just left me. A word I used a lot in the earlier blogs was perfect - it was horrifying.

That is all gone now. Praise God.

To close out today's blog, though, I have decided to be very honest. Every morning before I go to work I have time alone with God. I read a chapter from both the old and new testaments, and I talk with God in prayer. I have a list of things we talk about, and my love life is one of those topics.

He knows I am lonely. But it is a different lonely. I do not wallow in self-pity any longer. I just very much yearn for the companionship of a woman who shares common interests and is someone to love and to experience life with. I have placed this at the feet of Jesus and have chosen to trust Him with this.

Is it easy? Heck no. But if there is one thing that I have grown to understand through these three or so years of hell is that God is trustworthy and knows what He is doing. I can trust Him with my love life. He designed the universe, thought up the idea of an eyeball and toenails, knew just how far away our sun needed to be from Earth to allow for life to exist here, and made puppies so dang cute.

A love life - easy.