Opinion : The only clear choice in Iowa\'s 2014 Senate election

When, in the course of events, a voter identifies a statesmen who so eloquently defends the things in which the voter believes, it behooves the voter to defy convention and earnestly support that candidate.

Never, in two score and nine years, have a voter and a candidate had so much in common.

I hate chickens.

Bruce Braley hates chickens.

A little over a year ago, my wife and daughters conspired with a farmer friend to turn my peaceful piece of paradise into a chicken farm. We – no, they – bought a few dozen chickens and put them into the old coup that our farmer friend so generously donated (and even delivered).

Then we waited. For eggs.

And waited. And waited.

A few months later, our first eggs came.

By the time I calculated the cost of equipment and feed and heat lamps, etc., I determined that our first round of “free” eggs cost about $500 per dozen.

Then of course, there was the smell and the mess, and trying to avoid chicken droppings after we let them run loose, as chicken owners are told to do.

We now are getting more than a dozen eggs per day. And it still costs us more than it would to buy them at the store. (Whoever first used the phrase, “It ain’t chicken feed” clearly never had to purchase any.)

Bruce Braley hates chickens too.

No, my friends, Bruce did not “threaten to sue.” He merely asked his neighbor to keep his chickens in her yard; he even communicated that he wanted to “avoid a litigious situation.”

Mr. and Mrs. Braley simply hoped that their summer home in his home town would be chicken free, and I can certainly sympathize with that. The only place on my farm that I cannot go because of my allergies is that nasty, dusty, dirty chicken coup.

But loathing chickens is not the only thing Bruce and I have in common.

Bruce has written columns defending lawyers.

So have I.

Sure, I have been known to bemoan the quantity of ridiculous lawsuits and the pathetic lawyer-inspired disclaimers on TV commercials. And sure, the Affordable Care Act included plenty of benefits for trial lawyers like Braley.

Also, I have been known as a lover of lawyer jokes. Hey did ya hear about the new Oriental cafe that opened at the law school? It's called So-Su-Mi.

But also, I have written about how lawyers are often like garbage men. They end up dealing with the worst of society. We don't blame the garbage man if he comes home smelling bad at the end of the day, but we do blame lawyers if they have to deal with people we would prefer to avoid. Our system of justice, to work as it should, requires that the very worst of criminals have the very best legal representation.

Braley, too, has defended lawyers in the court of public opinion. Discussing an “all-out attack on trial lawyers,” Braley wrote: “Because you buy buy goods and services from businesses which support the U.S. Chamber, you are helping finance this campaign of hatred, whether you like it or not,” Braley wrote in 1998. (See his whole column HERE.)

Here's another thing we have in common. One of the lawyers in Braley's law firm once served as a defense lawyer in a murder trial I covered. The defendant, Gary Venzke of Independence, was found guilty.

There is one more thing that Braley hates as much as I do: Meetings.

I hate meetings. I hate sitting still. I hate the protocol that says we must listen to whoever it is who is speaking at a meeting, regardless of the depth of nonsense that person is sharing.

I always believed that every meeting should be run like the 1970s game show called “The Gong Show,” where one of the three judges could end a performance by simply banging a loud gong. So, the next time you find yourself in such a meeting, imagine a giant gong in the corner of the room. People will wonder why you are smiling, but you will feel much better.

Braley hates meetings, too. While his opponents have criticized him for skipping meetings of congressional committees, I applaud him. I have never been in a congressional committee hearing but the few debates I have seen on CSPAN indicate that they must be among the most horrid meetings in human history.

I don't blame Braley for skipping 60-some percent of those meetings. I envy him.

Braley and I also share a concern about the impact of farmers on non-farm related areas of society.

While many are still yelling about Braley's comment about Sen. Grassley (a farmer who never went to law school) potentially becoming the Judiciary Committee Chairman, I share his concern. If we don't stop this nonsense, pretty soon farmers will be impacting every area of society that is dear to us. We could even end up with an Iowa farmer on “The Bachelor.” Aren't there already enough Iowa jokes being told in the rest of the country? Bruce and I agree; enough already.

There's one more very important issue in this election: Age.

Up until a few years ago, I was younger than at least a few Major League Baseball players. But when Jamie Moyer retired, I became older than them all. It was distressing.

Just imagine how distressing it will be for us 50-ish men to realize that we are now older than an Iowa Senator; Joni Ernst is only 44. We need to support a candidate who is not any younger than I.

So, Bruce, the decision is clear.

Because of all of the things I mentioned above: Chickens, the influence of farmers, our mutual efforts to defend lawyers, our loathing of meetings, and of course, the all-important age issue, the message is unmistakeable.

Concerning the Iowa U.S. Senate election of 2014, there is only one logical choice: Bruce Braley must vote for me.